I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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