Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
