I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have aggressive nipples.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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