Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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