I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize