wrigley field is MILF paradise
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
