So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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