I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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