i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
