I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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