if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
