I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
