News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
