Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize