I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
