Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
