Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
