Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
