how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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