My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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