I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
