he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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