I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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