I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
