you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
