Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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