Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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