My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
