He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
