i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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