Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
