I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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