someone threw a dead crab at me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
