I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
