Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
