i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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