Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
did you just send me my own nude
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
