I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
