You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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