I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
