Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
