Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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