just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize