My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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