every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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