Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
