Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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