So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
