just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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