I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
