All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
