I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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