That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
