Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize