I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
