if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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