She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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