My hand turned me down
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
