He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
