im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
